The Werewolf with Tight, Leather Pants
by heygaston2
Summary: "We have to save him from marriage, from a life chained to a bird with more temper than a Norwegian Fireball, from an existence doomed to heterosexualness."


Disclaimer: JK Rowling and other own all things related to Harry Potter.

A/N: Written for the Make-Sure-James-Is-Really-Straight-Fest over at laurel_tx's on LJ...months ago.

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**06:32 14 September 1979**-Two hours twenty-eight minutes until the wedding

_"Who's idea was it?"_

_"Really, I have no idea what you're talking ab-is it really necessary to shine that light in my eye? Have you been watching Muggle films lately?"_

_"I won't ask again."_

_"Ah, right, well, it was all Sirius' idea, of course. It's always his idea."_

**20:13 30 June 1979**-Two months, fifteen days, twelve hours forty-seven minutes until the wedding

"We have to save James."

"Save James from what?" Remus asked, looking over at Sirius.

He paced the flat, hands clasped behind his back and with a look of concentration on his face. "We have to save him from marriage, from a life chained to a bird with more temper than a Norwegian Fireball, from an existence doomed to heterosexualness."

"I don't believe 'heterosexualness' is a word, Pads," Remus said, lightly, returning to his paper. There was an article on Wendigos in Albania he wanted to finish.

"Think about it, Moony," he said, coming up behind Remus to loom over him, "he'll never experience what we have if he gets married to Evans."

"What we have?"

Sirius waved generally between the two of them, "This."

"You mean a relationship that until four weeks ago remained undefined, normally filled with humping against each other like dogs in heat, sometimes interrupted with me bailing you out of trouble, and the guest appearance of a bird you can't keep your hands off of?"

"I'm an equal opportunity type of guy," Sirius said, shrugging the comment off like it was nothing more than a particularly dull piece of lint.

"Besides, Sirius, don't you think it's a bit harsh to assume that a monogamous, heterosexual relationship will lead James into a life of gloom and hysteria?" Remus asked, turning to face Sirius. When Sirius started thinking of crazy ideas it was best to shoot them down head on.

"I didn't say anything about hysteria, but now that you mention it, he'll probably go stir crazy after a year," Sirius said with conviction. He honestly believed marriage would be the worst thing to ever happen to James.

Sirius leaned against the desk, an air of intellectual curiosity surrounding him. "Obviously, we'll have to conduct an experiment to prove whether or not James would be better off pegging blokes-or being pegged by blokes, whatever floats his fancy." Or an air of complete insanity.

"You're off your rocker."

"Ten galleons says he is."

"I'm not ruining James and Lily's marriage for ten galleons."

"Loser has to wear Lily's leather pants for a day."

"...Deal."

**06:42 14 September 1979**-Two hours eighteen minutes until the wedding

_"You nearly ruined my marriage for Sirius' in leather pants? My leather pants!"_

_"Well, they do flatter his arse very nicel-ah, do we need to be waving that want around?"_

_"Leather. Pants."_

_"Really, I didn't think he had a chance in hell. James would rather kiss Severus' boots than hurt you in anyway."_

_"So, tell me, how did you go about trying to ruin my life."_

_"Well..."_

**09:41 1 July 1979**-One month, thirteen days, twenty-three hours forty-nine minutes until the wedding

"So, I've been thinking," Sirius said, sitting down at the kitchen table for breakfast the next morning.

Remus put down his paper, huffing irascibly at Sirius. "Will I ever be able to read a paper in peace?"

"Probably not," Sirius said, beaming. "Anyhow, I've been thinking about our Make Sure James is Really Straight Fest-"

"Our what?"

"Make Sure James is Really Straight Fest? Yknow, me proving James likes to rodger blokes, you proving he'll knock boots with girls any day?" Sirius said this all very slowly, like teaching a severely thick second year.

"I'm not participating in anything called Make Sure James is Really Straight Fest," Remus said, crossing his arms in emphasis. "It's already ridiculous enough to begin with."

"Make Sure James Potter is Really, Really Straight Fest?"

"In what addled part of you mind did you think that would be better?"

"Make Sure James is Straight Spectacular?"

Remus heaved a heavy sigh. "I give up, you're hopeless. Continue with your no doubt insane thoughts."

"Well, after I finished my nightly admiration of my gorgeous abs, I gave some thought to our Make Sure James is Straight Spectacular. And, no, it wasn't about how magnificent your arse would look in leather-well, not at first. I was thinking we should each enlist people to help us in our mission," Sirius finished, a look of maddening pride on his face. This thought was obviously meant to Impress Remus which would lead to Shagging Remus.

"Enlist?"

Sirius' face fell; there was clearly no shagging in his immediate future. "Yeah, bring others in for reinforcements to our bidding."

"Fine. We can recruit others for your enjoyment."

**06:48 14 September 1979**-Two hours twelve minutes until the wedding

_"There were others?"_

_"Uh, maybe."_

_"How many?"_

_"Well, to be fair, I didn't think anyone would actually join in."_

_"How many? Before I hex your balls off."_

_"Helping Sirius? He just had Caradoc and Benjy."_

_"And you?"_

_"The Prewett twins; though, to be honest, I think they only wanted to see Sirius in leather."_

_"After the ceremony I'm hexing the lot of you. Until then, continue with your story."_

**12:22 5 July 1979**-One month, eight days, twenty hours thirty-eight minutes until the wedding

Sirius was absolutely relentless in his attacks on James. He'd invite James over at a specific time and bend Remus over the couch right before he Floo'd in. His ever abundant collection of gay, wizard porno amassed itself in James' flat. When he took James to the pub the night before, he pointed out every type of man from dainty and feminine to the size of a bear, and as hairy, too.

All in four days.

Remus, on the other hand, was subtle. He hinted to James about a restaurant that Lily wanted to go to. At Order meetings he insisted James sat next to Lily and made sure any and all assignments assured the two of them would be together. But he was slowly running out of ideas, short of locking James in a broom closet and as faraway from Sirius as possible.

Two cracks echoed through the kitchen, breaking Remus from his reverie.

"Look sharp, Lupin," a person said from behind him.

"Yeah, wouldn't want Sirius to get to James while you're daydreaming," said another.

Remus cringed mentally as he turned to face the intruders-the Prewett twins. Nothing wrong with them in general, but Remus had his fill of pranksters with James and Sirius.

"Afternoon," he said, cordially. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Well," Gideon said, sauntering over to Remus, "we heard you have a bet going on with Sirius."

Fabian strode to the other side of Remus, essentially sandwiching him between them. "And we want to help."

"I don't really need you-er, that is, I don't think I'll need help," Remus stuttered, feeling flustered. Was it hot in here or was he blushing?

"Of course you do! Don't be modest," Fabian said, clapping Remus on the shoulder.

Gideon sat down at the kitchen table, waving his wand to make several pieces of paper to appear. "Now, let's get down to business. We have several plans written down..."

**06:59 14 August 1979**-Two hours one minute until the wedding

_"Do you think a mass murder is a bad way to start off your marriage?"_

_"If it involves me, yes...What are you doing?"_

_"Making a list of who to kill and who to maim."_

_"Oh."_

_"Now, that night with the romantic dinner, was that you or James?"_

_"Ninety percent James, ten percent me. What are you writing down?"_

_"My new category, Maim and Kill. So far there's only two people, Sirius and you."_

_"Erm, right, continuing the story now."_

**16:31 16 July 1979**- Twenty-nine days, sixteen hours twenty-nine minutes until the wedding

Remus folded the detailed list Fabian had given him and tucked it into his pocket. He took a deep, steadying breath before pushing open the door to James' kitchen. "'Ello, Prongs."

"Moony!" James said brightly. "Come in; I was just finishing lunch."

"How much actually made it into your stomach?" Remus joked, pointing at James' crumb covered shirt.

He sheepishly brushed at the crumbs. "Lily's always on my case about that."

"Speaking of Lily," Remus said, sitting down, "I need to talk to you."

The immediate cloud of worry that surrounded James was almost enough to stop Remus from doing this. He did not want to _hurt _James and Lily, just get them to sleep together.

"It's just that, y'know that fellow she works with, MacDonald or something like that?"

Dislike colored James' eyes as soon as the name was dropped. "Yeah, I know him."

Deep breath, Remus. It will all work out in the end. "Well, Alice told me he's been getting rather friendly with Lily."

"I'll kill him!" Remus could see the harebrained murder plot already forming in his head.

He placed a calming hand on James' arm, nudging him back into his seat. "Alice and I have a better idea, one that doesn't involve a stint in Azkaban."

"I'm listening."

"Instead of murdering a co-worker in a rage of blind jealousy that will only serve to anger Lily, why not show her she has no reason to think of MacDonald. Some flowers here, a spot of champagne there, that sort of thing."

James nodded hurriedly, "You'll help me, Remus, right? I can't lose her, she's all I have."

The guilt swarmed Remus, twisting his stomach into knots. "Yeah, James, I'll help you."

Three hours later, James had a romantic dinner for Lily set at the table and Remus was leaving the house, confident his plan would succeed. That is, until Sirius Floo'd in at the exact same time Lily Apparated home.

"James!"

"Remus!"

Lily glared at Sirius. Sirius glared at Remus. Remus shot a nervous glance at James. James smiled at Lily.

"Lily, m'dear," James said, pulling her in for a delicate kiss on the lips. "Welcome home."

Her eyes fell on the table, taking in the white table cloth, sterling silver and just lit candles. "Oh, James!"

Sirius was still glaring at Remus. He silently mouthed at him, "Nice try."

"Thanks," Remus returned, smugly.

And then Sirius ambled over to James, shooting the plan down in a mass of fiery flames. "The table looks wonderful, Jamie, but you seem to be missing two settings."

"Two?"

"For Remus and I, of course!"

"No, I'm pretty sure I have the exact amount needed."

"Actually, I do believe I remember a certain idiot friend of mine inviting us to dine with him and his lovely fiancé."

"And you took that to mean today?"

"Obviously, why else would Remus be here as well?"

"Right. Well, you're just going to have to come over another day."

"But I cleared my entire schedule!"

Lily cleared her throat, effectively ending the argument. "It's fine, dear. They can have dinner with us and then we'll have the rest of the night to ourselves."

James sighed, defeated. He waved his hand over the table, two more settings appearing in his wake. "I'll go check on the chicken."

Sirius spun to face Remus, a smile of victory on his face. The anger emitting off of Remus must have been tangible as Lily scurried to the kitchen with a feeble excuse to help James with the chicken.

"That was low, Pads," Remus admonished, stepping closer to Sirius.

Sirius scoffed, "I'm a Black, everything we do is low."

"It won't work," Remus said, confidently, "I'm going to win this."

Their faces were so close now, their noses touched. Sirius, taller by an inch, glared down at Remus. "You'll need more than fancy wine and chicken to beat me, Moony."

"And you'll need more than porno mags to top me."

"I top you every night."

**07:05 14 August 1979**-One hour forty-five minutes until the wedding

_"Keep you sordid sex life out of the story, please."_

_"Sorry."_

**20:02 16 July 1979**-Twenty-nine days, twelve hours and fifty-eight minutes until the wedding

"And then they made me their chief."

Sirius rolled his eyes, watching Lily entrance James with her maddening smile. "I remember Moody making you clean the vomit off the walls the muggle way, but I don't remember any chief-making."

James glared at Sirius, "Shove it."

"Ignore him, he's just jealous that you're going to get some tonight and he isn't." Lily leaned in close, giving James a gentle kiss on the lips.

James pulled back in a daze. "I think you guys can leave now."

"But we haven't had desert yet," Sirius protested, half heartedly. "We can't leave until we've had the lemon meringue pie."

Lily flicked her wand distractedly, setting Sirius' cuffs on fire. "Leave."

Remus stood, charming the fire away. Pulling at Sirius' collar, he said, "We're on our way. Have a nice night and don't get too wild, you'll want to save some for the honeymoon."

They Floo'd to their flat where Remus pressed Sirius to the wall, grinning triumphantly. "Concede."

"That didn't prove anything," Sirius murmured, looking at Remus with lidded eyes.

"Face it, he loves Lily and there's nothing you can do about it." He rocked his hips against Sirius', hearing Sirius' breath hitch as he did so.

Sirius dived for a kiss, but Remus pulled away. "Not yet, Pads, not until you admit defeat," he said, wagging his finger.

"Never," Sirius challenged, trailing a finger along the waistline of Remus' pants.

Remus detangled himself from Sirius. "Then you don't get anything."

"Not even a kiss?"

"Not even a kiss."

Sirius stalled, his inner debate written clearly on his face. He knitted his eyebrows and harrumphed. "I suppose my arse would look ridiculously good in leather."

**07:17 14 August 1979**-One hour thirty-three minutes until the wedding

_"Go."_

_"What?"_

_"Go get James ready. I'll murder you _after _the wedding."_

_"Thank you, Lily. You won't regret it."_

**08:58 14 August 1979**-Two minutes until the wedding

Remus rocked on the balls of his feet, waiting for the wedding march to start. To his left, Sirius was holding the tails of James' coat, keeping him from bolting.

"It's alright, mate, everything will go okay," he heard Sirius whisper.

"What if we're wrong? What if we shouldn't be married?" James whispered back, running his hand through his hair, destroying the work Remus had put in tidying it.

"Trust me, you're meant to be."

Remus grinned, pride welling in his chest. The instruments began to hum and the flower girl turned the corner. He leaned over, putting his lips against Sirius' ear. "Lily said you can pick up her pants at the flat before they leave for the honeymoon."


End file.
